Quotes of Zapp Brannigan

Zapp Brannigan

Quotes per season

Captain Zapp Brannigan (born June 30, 2972) is a military officer in the Democratic Order of the Planets and the Government of Earth.
Twenty-five-star general, he is presented as a war hero following various victories, including against killer robots.
He commands the ship Nimbus (and briefly other ships like the Titanic) and is always accompanied by his lieutenant Kif Kroker.

Although he is considered a hero by many people, those who have been close to him and his soldiers have a totally different perception of him.
He is indeed self-centered, arrogant, incompetent, misogynistic and in no way hesitates to sacrifice his men to win a battle.
This was particularly the case during his battle against the horde of killer robots: the robots having a precise quota of victories, he sent wave after wave of all the men he had until the robots reached their quota and fell into breakdown.

Kif: Sir, can I speak with you?
Zapp Brannigan: No!
Kif: But, sir, it's an emergency.
Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe.
[The ship shakes and rumbles]
Zapp Brannigan: [stands up] Oh, very well.
Zapp Brannigan A Flight to Remember, Volume 1
It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.
Zapp Brannigan Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
Zapp Brannigan: My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
Kif Kroker: What?
Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.
Zapp Brannigan Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
Zapp Brannigan: Throw her in the brig.
Fry: We don't have a brig.
Zapp Brannigan: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig".
Zapp Brannigan Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
Zapp Brannigan: Oh Leela! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only person who ever loved me.
Leela: I never loved you.
Zapp Brannigan: I meant physically. Just let me work for a little food. I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors.
Leela: You don't know how to do any of those things.
Zapp Brannigan: Kif might!
Zapp Brannigan Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
Kif, I'm headed to the men's room and I'll be needing an attendant, so-- Oh, I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman.
It's alright. I've always thought myself as a father figure to some of my more pathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's rap.
Zapp Brannigan Amazon Women in the Mood, Volume 3
I'd like two steaks and the ladies will have some very sensual salads -- with low-cal sensual dressing.
Zapp Brannigan Amazon Women in the Mood, Volume 3
Kif: Is there nothing we can do, sir?
Zapp: There's only one sure-fire way back into a woman's heart and parts beyond. I speak, of course, of karaoke.
Kif: My years in the DOOP Boys' Chorus will not have been in vain!
Zapp Brannigan, Kif Kroker Amazon Women in the Mood, Volume 3
I met her in a club down in old Soho,
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola,
C-O-L-A ... Cola.
Zapp Brannigan Amazon Women in the Mood, Volume 3
Let's see what this eatery can do.
[The restaurant blasts forwards and knocks a few ships away from the car park.]
Ah, she's built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro.
[The restaurant shakes.]
She's out of control! You win again, gravity!
Zapp Brannigan Amazon Women in the Mood, Volume 3
Thog: We hear tell men used for snu-snu. But all we have go on are ancient legend and subscription to Cosmo.
Zapp: Just FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.
Thog: Silence. You want die like last men visit Amazonia?
Fry: What'd they die of?
Kug: Crushed pelvises.
Fry: Yes!
Zapp: Oh, thank you, Lord in heaven!
Philip J. Fry, Zapp Brannigan, Amazonians Amazon Women in the Mood, Volume 3
Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in an human male's world.
Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Zapp Brannigan, Lrrr Omicron Persei 8 attaque, Volume 1
Leela: You know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!
Zapp: And which one rocked your world?
Turanga Leela, Zapp Brannigan Love’s Labors Lost in Space, Volume 1
We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law.
However, I did make it with a hot alien babe.
And in the end is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?
Zapp Brannigan Love’s Labors Lost in Space, Volume 1
Zapp: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
Zapp Brannigan Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
Zapp: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.
Zapp Brannigan Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
Kif: Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now.
Zapp: No matter. I'll simply cut it from here with the ship's laser.
Kif: Sir, I don't think that's wise.
Zapp: Kif, if there's one thing I don't need it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise attitude.
Zapp Brannigan, Kif Kroker Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
Zapp: I'd like to make one final statement. Kif, c'mere and hold up the flag. And wave it a little, for God's sakes.
My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour.
Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
Kif: What?
Zapp Brannigan, Kif Kroker Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing.
It makes you think.
Zapp Brannigan Brannigan, Begin Again, Volume 2
He edged out my old mark by two seconds ... and 16 minutes ... and 12 hours. I do plan to finish someday, Kif.
Zapp Brannigan War Is the H-Word, Volume 2

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